To me, being in a relationship with someone who makes you laugh as much as my boyfriend makes me crack up is serious couples goals. I feel like if you’ve been with your partner for a while, you’ve probably heard some weird things come out of their mouth. My boyfriend and I have had pretty strange conversations in the past. I mean, with the kind of runaway imaginations that we both harbour, it’s to be expected.
But it wasn’t until I repeated the conversation to a friend of mine that I realised exactly what sort of tangents my SO usually goes off on.
Here are some gems that I’ve picked up over the last few months. Have fun.
A message in response to having the wasp nest removed from under the eaves of our apartment:
“They can’t take away my wasp nest. I grew it myself.”
In response to my (admittedly unfounded) worries:
“What if mole men come up from the ground and try to steal our cats? We should shackle them down.”
And then after a few minutes:
“What if gravity stops working and they start to float away while we’re not home?”
Musing about our cats’ inheritance:
“We should open savings accounts for the cats. Where are they going to get money if we die? How are they going to buy food?”
On me starting martial arts:
“We’re going to work on all the fun jiu jitsu stuff and make you an efficient killer.”
In response to me wearing turned up jeans:
“You can’t go out with exposed ankles. Go put on a dress like a proper Amish lady.”
And in response to me pointing out his exposed knees and ankles:
“How else am I going to find my second and third wives?”
Standing in Clicks waiting to pay:
“Do you think we’ll find the cure to the Coronavirus here?”
Starts singing, “Ai Carona,” to The Knack’s My Sharona.
In response to me asking, “If you had to choose a name for yourself, what would it be?”
Not happy with me shouting at the female voice on Google Maps:
“Don’t be mean to Linda. She’s doing her best.”
Our kitten sits on the dish-drying cloth as he does the washing up:
“Kitten, I am going to report you to the cat Overlord. You’re not a dish. You can’t sit here.”
Of course, kitten proceeds to sit right where it is.
“Fine. I will get another cloth as I am human and we have many cloths.”
In response to me talking about getting a new haircut:
“Yeah! Just do it! Don’t let your dreams be dreams!”
Seeing my newly layered hair:
“Onions have layers.”
TBH, I don’t know if he’s trying to tell me I’m an onion, or whether he’s reliving his love for Shrek.
And a bonus Harry Potter section to make you cringe-slash-laugh – answers from our recent Harry Potter quiz night
What is the name of the Hippogriff in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban?
“Is it Steven? But with a “Ph”. Like “Phteven”. No wait, it should be like Greg. Greg the ‘Griff’.”
What is the number of the vault in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone from which the stone is stolen?
“It’s 69, right? That’s a good number.”
What position does Ron play on the Quidditch team?
“Oh, he was the snitch.”
What is the angry tree planted on the grounds of Hogwarts?
“I think it was the Bashing Bougainvillea.”
Who killed Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince?
“Dude, that was definitely J.K. Rowling. Or capitalism.”
What image was shot into the sky at the Quidditch tournament in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?
Starts giggling to himself next to me. “Oh my god, it was a penis, wasn’t it.”
If you’re living with someone who helps you achieve these couples goals, and who makes your life as entertaining as this, let us know what they say in the comments below, and keep an eye out for the next installment of “Sh*t my boyfriend says to our cats”.