As a single 25-year-old with no intentions of becoming a cat lady, I decided that I have to dip my toe in the online dating pool. Because let’s face it, I’m not going to meet someone in the local bar anytime soon. So I decided to join Bumble. Bumble is an online dating app that puts the power in the hands of the single ladies, because it requires the women to make the first move. I was excited to start the conversation, and not be greeted with an opening line that would make my dad shiver. Guys can be the worst with flirting.
With love in the air this February – my Bumble journey started!
Ever wondered what goes on inside the mind of someone using a dating app for the first time? Well, here you go:
It’s 10pm on a Friday night. I’ve finished a bottle of red wine by myself. In my bed. My flatmate has eaten all the food and now I’m drunk and sad. Should I download Bumble? No. I’m not that lonely. I don’t need Bumble.
Oh sh*t, my wine is finished.
Okay, I’m going to download Bumble.
It’s time to sign up, and I’ve forgotten that I have to set up a whole profile and choose up to 6 photos. Which photos will show the dating world that I’m fun and laid back, but if you bluetick me then I will haunt you for the rest of your dating life?
Do I post one with flatmate Henco in it? Yes…? No… NO! Remove!
Back to Instagram to find another photo of me having the time of my life without Henco and not crying in Ubers. Ha!
Okay, so after much consideration, I’ve uploaded all my chosen photos. Done with my photos. Now it’s asking for my astrological sign? My religion? Political views? Oh, thank you Bumble, something more than meets the eye to lure them in.
How do I write a bio in only 140 characters? What do I leave out? Am I going to be funny? Sassy or smart? F*ck, I’m just going to be a Muggle.
Does anyone even read the bio? If this was The Circle on Netflix, everyone would think I’m catfishing them.
Linking my Instagram? You must be kidding me, why did I just spend 20 minutes analysing every photo on my Instagram for photos to choose from?
Okay, whatever, I’m done. Showcase my Spotify music? Yes, why not? Now I can judge my paramours on grounds of music taste as well.
Marié, stop staring at your profile and start swiping.
I didn’t mean to swipe right, I just wanted to see his face!
Left… No, he was a cutie, I didn’t mean to swipe left. Swiping is so fast paced. Oh, backtrack? Clever Bumble! But how?
*Shaking my phone up and down like I’m doing some kind of salsa dance*
Oh, there we go. Welcome back, cutie! Let’s see who you are. Okay so apparently people do put in a lot of effort into their bios. Okay, you have a dog, you can stay. Swipe right.
What’s up with all the emojis and flags? Why can’t you just say you like pizza? Why do you have to show a pizza slice? Is that a pineapple as well? Pineapple pizza I assume? So confusing, but anyway this is a rush, let’s swipe right.
A match? How? It’s only been 2 seconds. Now what? I’m going to leave him hanging, only because I don’t have an idea what my opening line is going to be. Let’s go to bed and sleep on it.
It’s 8am the next morning, my head hurts from drinking alone, and we have load shedding, so swiping it is!
6 matches already? WTF. Why isn’t there anyone sliding into my messages?
Oh right, this is Bumble. Not Tinder. I have to send the first message, before the 24 hours is up. I’m so stressed, 24 hours has never felt this short in my whole life.
Coffee sounds good right now, and I’ve told them I’m a Muggle so…..
“So where do Muggles get their coffee fix?”
Oh no, why did I just ask 6 guys the same question? Maybe they don’t even know what a Muggle is.
I’m just gonna sit back and relax, the 24-hour ball is in their court now. NO PRESSURE!
Okay, I’m bored. Let’s start swiping again. Am I seriously going to stay in bed the whole day just because I can’t get my hand to stop swiping on Bumble?
I got a reply! Yes! This guy says the struggle of being a Muggle is real. But as a good Griffyndor he knows where the best Butterbeer in town is, and has asked if I want to go get one? Woah, wait hold your horses. Why can’t he first just ask me what my Butterbeer preference is?
So, I have to meet up with someone for this online dating thing to come full circle, right?
I CAN’T JUST MEET UP WITH A STRANGER! WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?
No I can’t do this. I suck at dating.
But he’s in Gryffindor and he’s cute. Wait, I can do this.
“Meet me at Three Broomsticks Inn?”
Can I bring Ron with me?