After my first week as a working adult, I decided that I should embark on a very chilled weekend (my budget for January is also extremely tight). My Friday evening was spent with my sister and her boyfriend at home trying to watch the second season of You, which failed because my short attention span won’t allow me to binge watch series. 

When the clock struck 10, I made my way to my room, lit candles and pink rose incense (for the ambience of course), and stared in awe at the first full moon of 2020. The light illuminated my whole room and instead of going to sleep I rather indulged in The Road Less Travelled by M. Scott Peck. My eyes became heavy and by the time ashes were the only thing left of the incense stick, I fell into a well-earned slumber. 

I was awakened by the emotionally loaded sentence “I promise we love you despite the lies you tell yourself!”, yelled by someone in my apartment building. I tried my best not to follow the fight of these two individuals, but it was impossible. I figured that the fight was based on the fact that someone felt unloved and unaccepted by their family or friends. A fear that is evident in most of our own daily lives. I lay there waiting for the screams of reassurance and defence to stop – it didn’t. 

I decided to block out the sounds by listening to the comforting sounds of Oliver “Tuku” Mtukudzi. I later unplugged my earphones and silence once again reigned in our apartment building. Thankful for the peace and quiet, I hoped that whoever was involved in the argument was now also peaceful in their beds. 

The next evening the same unsettling event occurred. This time, between two entirely different individuals. Their argument was so loud that eavesdropping was inevitable. I realised this fight was worsened by an evident abuse of alcohol, as slurred speech filled the air. I couldn’t believe it – how can one apartment building be filled with so much unhappiness and anger? 

Then came reflection

Morning came and on my way to a Vinyasa yoga flow at The Hot Yoga Studio in Stellenbosch, I opened my car window, breathed in the fresh morning air and reflected on what happened the past two evenings. I soon realised that I was low-key traumatised by the events.

Trauma surrounds us, whether it is the brutality covered by the news, the fear of crime affecting us, or our own history haunting us. Dealing with trauma is an art only a select few can master (please note that I am not one of these lucky few – although I am trying). If trauma isn’t dealt with it can lead to other destructive habits and patterns such as indulging in alcohol, food, drugs, or shallow relationships which don’t serve you.  

The conflict of these strangers affected me in such a way that I decided to assess my own method of conflict management. Raised as a strong independent woman in a house with two equally fiery women and having a Scorpio dad, communication has always been forthright and filled with expressive words, and explosive statements. I was under the impression that the mere fact that I was able to express my views, I was following a good path to resolving conflict because “communication is key”.  But this didn’t seem to be the case as during my previous relationship conflict was a major element and my inability to constructively resolve issues made me absolutely terrible at dealing with conflict. 

Balancing my way through 2020

Why I’m choosing to end a cycle of destructive patternsAs my yoga flow reached the halfway mark, we had to experiment with crow pose – for those who are not familiar with this pose, it requires immense balance. The instructor explained that in order to achieve the balance we must shift our gaze to the front, where we are going, not where we came from. And it then hit me – in order to find balance in my life I have to stop the ways of my past and focus on where I am going, and boy does it excite me!

In numerology the year 2020 is the year of balance, with this in mind I decided to identify certain patterns which do not serve me, with the aim of finding balance in my mission through life. I invite you to look at habits, patterns and relationships which do not serve you. List these destructive habits, reflect on why you have fallen into a cycle in which they continually occur. 

Why I’m choosing to end a cycle of destructive patternsThe answers might not be clear nor will the act of escaping these cycles be a quick fix. I will recommend you start your process by stacking stones. The act of balancing stones is found in the history of many cultures, and it is done as a practice of patience. It is a physical effort of creating balance in one’s life. Each stone symbolises an intention for change or an affirmation of grace.

I invite you to follow my ‘Balancing my way through 2020‘ journey of unlearning certain habits and reshaping my mind and life. I hope to share with you the methods which assist me to live a life free from destructive habits, a life filled with absolute freedom and spiritual growth.

Watch this space.

 

3 Comments

  1. Well done on an inspiring article. I can relate as my aim for 2020 is ‘Protecting the asset’, where I refer to myself as the asset. I believe living a balanced life is key in this journey.

  2. I’m just here for the balance, which I myself am journeying towards in 2020. Incredible piece.

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